Valentine’s is coming…

My guy, I see you there struggling to keep it together. Keep struggling. Don’t say shit. You run the risk of getting ‘just the tips’ for admitting that Valentine’s Day blows, and not in the good way.

The truth is…

… Forget the truth. Valentines’ Day is the most important day of the year, right ladies? I mean after your birthday of course. It is the other day in the year that your man can really prove to you just how much he loves you, by spending every single coin he has on you…

…and all that romantic shit that follows. Tell her you found the one who just gets you like no one else. You know, say she cooks right even if she doesn’t, that way she’ll let you try all the holes tonight. I mean, if that’s not love then I don’t know what is.

Who cares about the truth. Valentine’s Day isn’t about love. It’s all about the impractical, going the extra mile, doing everything extra. BE F*&ING EXTRA, EVEN IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHY… 

…Because this is the day you get to unleash that sexy little red number you bought from some Instagram store, as all girls our age do. No need to be an individual. Let’s be just like everyone else…

…Force yourselves to do what everyone else is doing even though it doesn’t work for you. Be excessively PDA no matter how uncomfortable that may be for you in public. I mean, who cares if this is Kenya bro. Make out on the streets like honeymooners even though you and your boner will be arrested faster than you can say hello.

 Why waste a perfectly good day on Netflix and chill when you can run around town like headless chicken trying to satisfy status quo? Be impractical…

Yeeeees! Let him bring you a bouquet of red roses that will wither and die in a week. It will also come with a box of white chocolate to make you fat. That will match your dress perfectly as I remind you that your favorite type of chocolate could give you constipation. Amazing right?

Oh yeah, the unrealistic expectation of some gift that’s not just any gift but the perfect gift. It has to be sweet yet practical, sentimental, yet unique, subtle yet quite the statement piece. Like it has to signify your entire relationship as well as the value you place on her as your girl. Woe unto you if you do not get it, or get it wrong.

Such is the stuff of dry spells.

She’ll be too upset to ride you like a cowgirl for the next couple weeks.

Exactly, and let’s not forget the shoes, girl, you have to look on point for the gram after all. It doesn’t matter if you get blisters doing it. Beauty is pain, the more the better.

Oh yeah, my guy, you’ll also probably be broke by evening because everywhere you two go, prices are through the roof. But who can put a price on an excuse to show the world you’re getting head on a regular, right?

Speaking of which, my loves, did you know your man has been saving up a lot since you haven’t gone out in a while due to the pandemic. Forget investing and common sense, lunch today will be in some uber pretentious swanky restaurant with an amazing ambience and food to die for (and post, of course). When in debt, splurge!

That includes going out to some expensive eatery for dinner and dressing up like a pair of red carpet headliners. If y’all have been javing/footsubishi/kupanda mat like regular Kenyans all this time, that won’t do for Valentine’s Day, nope, because you gotta uber your sweetheart to dinner.

YOU GOTTA BE EXTRA AS SHIT.

Don’t worry if both of you are so miserable by the end of the day that love is the very last thing on your minds. It means it’s working.

This is what all girls want. We want to have this beautiful, perfect Valentines’ Day. We want to forget that love isn’t only supposed to be shown on this day, but is something we should strive to show the men in our lives every day. It’s all about being sexy for him.

It’s not about common sense my guy, it’s about love and red roses and grand romantic gestures. I don’t care if you don’t know how to build a house. Go Google how to build your baby girl a house from scratch with your bare hands just to prove that you love her. That’s how you beat that shit up.

Put so much pressure on these sins of Adam to be perfect and treat you how you see influencers being taken out on baecations and expensive dates and gifts until they implode.

Celebrate the pressure and the expectations. Don’t stop funding global conglomerates wanting to drain you of your savings. Who cares if they jeopardize your relationship? Celebrate by being utterly selfish and most of all, as unlike yourselves as possible. Then judge anyone else who doesn’t do the same.

The point is, let tv shows, romcoms and everyone else tell you exactly what you should do. Don’t celebrate love your own way or value your relationship and each other more than a stupid day. YOLO!

Forget that these women you envy actually deserve these expensive gifts because they have stood by their men through thick and thin, and for most, almost literally. Girls, don’t stop heaping a lot of pressure on your short term boyfriends to make as huge gestures for you on such days.

Never go for a simpler option. The thought does not, has never, nor will it ever count. Just give us flowers, expensive gifts and in return, expect us to be shameless, degrade ourselves and lose self worth for a day. What even is female empowerment? Boobs, hips and longer slits, that’s how we show our love, right?

Right! Then you’ll have that high pressure fairytale hot steamy sex where you want to cum at the same time but instead endure years of awkward foreplay followed by premature ejaculation where one of you i.e her, fakes an orgasm.

Then after a near nightmarish night of our boyfriends making such grand gestures for you, they’ll end up cheating and leaving you for other simpler girls. Why? Because of a small thing called pressure.

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My people, it is high time we focused on the relationship and building each other rather than the gestures and pressure from the gram.

Tafakari ya Babu

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